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Is not wanting to share your emotions a reason not to use I messages?

I recently heard the proposition that someone would not use I messages because they were concerned they did not want children and/or adolescence to know what they are feeling. Maybe I misunderstood the proposition when I heard it, but it sounded like 'never use I messages because we may not want children or adolescence know what we are feeling'. That made me think is this a good enough reason for not using I messages in some circumstances and is there another option? Read More...

10 response styles summary published in American Camping Association magazine

For those looking for idea’s on how to respond to inappropriate behaviour, I have identified 10 different styles of responding. These can help you choose different ways of responding to these challenges. An article that describes the 10 styles was recently published in the American Camping Associations Camping magazine. Read More...

Three ways of asking questions that should be avoided

When you meeting with others to talk about issues it can be very tempting to start off with a question. This can help raise the issue in a non threatening way and also find out more about the issue. It can help you find out how the other person views the problem. But you should avoid doing the following Read More...

When anger becomes a problem

Anger is not always a problem. This might seem strange to some but this is because of the confusion between the emotion anger and the behaviour that can occur with it. Anger is a natural emotion and helps to tell us that something is wrong. But how we go about trying to deal and fix what's wrong can lead to problems. Michael Currie’s book Doing Anger Differently: Helping Adolescent Boys gives a great list of indicators for thinking about is this feeling becoming a problem. Read More...

Navigating which method to use in dealing with bullying behaviour

The last 9 posts have outlined separate ways of responding to bullying behaviour. Each have strengths and weaknesses and times when they should and should not be used. It is hard to work out which path to go down so to help solve this I have developed the ROBB model. Read More...

Dead Person Test checks if what your asking is a replacement behaviour!

You see a behaviour and respond. This should include a description of the behaviour so they know what needs to change. An effective method to modify behaviour is offering them another option of how to behaviour. This little test can help you make sure you are giving them a replacement behaviour option. Read More...

10 styles you can use to respond

It can make you feel pretty angry or down when a behaviour does not change even after you have assertively responded to an issue. I learnt the hard way that it is useful to be able to mix up your responses. If something is not working, then try a different way. The stuck CD endlessly repeating sometimes works but in lots of cases does more harm than good. I have identified 10 different styles of response which can help you choose different ways of responding to these challenges. Read More...

Only use I-messages for good

I-messages are great ways to communicate assertively in lots of different situations. But it is worth remembering that they can also be used negatively to try and manipulate someone. Like all tools they can be used for good and bad purposes. So how can people manipulate others?
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Understanding the difference between I-messages and You-messages

You might want to read ‘You-messages can work for and against you’ to get the background for this post. I had pointed out that you can have an I-message and a You-message combined like ‘I feel angry when you call me names’. It is common for those new to I-messages to use I feel …(feeling) when you … (behaviour). But an effective I-message does not contain a ‘you’ in it. Read More...

You-messages can work for and against you

Following on from my previous post ‘How to get your message across respectfully’ the other way we can communicate is using You-messages. In You-messages, the message contains either you or you’re in it. For example, ‘You make me so angry when you don’t clean up after yourself.’ Using a You-messages blames the person for the situation and judges them. So it pays to know when to use one. Read More...

How to get your message across respectfully?

It is easy to do. Lose your cool in the heat of the moment and say something that you later regretted. It is in these times that I-messages are your friend and a tool for all occasions. They get the message across about how you feel and what behaviour made you feel that way. And that is not the only benefit. Read More...

4 Secrets to creating good behaviour agreements

I think having an agreement on what is the expected behaviour norms is essential in encouraging positive behaviour. That is because agreements outline types of behaviour, rules and/or boundaries to follow. It will lay the groundwork for consistency, justifying why the behaviour is not appropriate and creates expectations of mutual respect. A good agreement needs to have four things: Read More...
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